I had the most tough yet emotional conversation with my mother, recently. I grew up in a family who rarely talk about each other’s feelings. There’s no “I love you”, “I’m proud of you” or “I’m sad, angry, hurt”. No such thing. That’s what makes it harder to open up and talk. And, finally, 30 minutes of heart-to-heart discussion broke that years of silence.

But, as expected, my mom didn’t give me the soothing words. She didn’t understand my pain and sorrow. It makes me even angrier than before. But, I understand hers. The weights and burdens that she bears on her shoulders are impeccably worse than mine. It’s destructive, consuming her both physically and mentally.

She didn’t comfort me. She didn’t hug me. Yet, like any other Asian parent, she told me to pray, she lectured me. I was angry, but not for long. At least, not after when she told me that she was in pain too. We both were. It is not just me who carries baggage, wears a mask and long sleeves to cover up the open wounds. Mine didn’t heal. But, my relationship with her started to mend exactly like the healing process of broken bones. It’s uncomfortable, painful even. It will leave the nastiest scars. It will take ages to recover or perhaps it’s impossible to move like usual.

But, that’s what we do as humans. We broke things, we fell apart, we made mistakes. If things didn’t slip away from our hands, we would never know how to hold them properly. If we didn’t trip on our feet, our bodies would never have the experience of recovery. If we didn’t make mistakes, we would never learn and dodge the next one.

We can’t change the past, what people did to us. But, we can try to forgive, to let go.

She didn’t give me what I wanted as a daughter, but she gave me what I needed as a grown-up woman. She didn’t wrap her arms around me. Because it is not possible to hug someone if you have unhealed wounds across your body.

I was ‘disappointed’ that she loves me not as her little daughter who needs protection, but as a woman who needs to be strong. Just by that, I feel less angry. I finally can learn, to let go, to forgive. And, somehow, I realized. This whole time, That’s all that I needed.